On Germany - progress and happiness

A lot of breath was wasted telling me that I couldn't do what I'm trying to do. That one doesn't move to the European Union with the hopes of landing a work visa as a freelancing English teacher. That one shouldn't travel and try to make a life that they can be truly happy with when they have the burden of student loans. That, in that regard, one should take the time to make a living before attempting to make a life.

Many of the loudest voices have come from those I met in my travels abroad. The English teacher in Busan would loudly exclaim that it's not possible to teach English in Europe - that everyone there already knows it and besides, with the refugee crisis in Germany there's no chance that I'll be able to get a visa. The comfort of a salaried position in an Asian country where everything was already organized, where the pay-check was predictable, relatively timely, and comfortable enough to allow for some wild trips (with only a mild amount of credit card debt to show for it) was absolutely hard for me to leave behind. I can see the allure of staying there in lieu of running off to the uncertain, freelancing nature of a European adventure. I'm not saying that outspoken expat was wrong, I'm just saying that he definitely was not right.

I've been here for a month. I came here because of one guaranteed interview in advance with a company that, unfortunately, I won't be pursuing for work purposes. Instead I opened my doors to some other schools and had two bites immediately. The process was the same for both: one phone call, a dropped off resume, one job interview, and one instantaneous job offer. Both interviewers started in my postition, English teachers infatuated with the European lifestyle and the German language. Both had to build a full schedule from scratch at their respective schools. Both are now in managerial positions, hiring and organizing, leading teaching seminars, and jumping in when their teachers are sick or on vacation. They have been insanely helpful and I haven't had any doubts that if I have a random question about the visa process, or come across and glitch or hurdle, they would respond quickly and with the knowledgable advice that can only come from one who has not only been their themselves, but who has helped countless others through the process over the years. They are unwittingly serving as examples of the sort of stable and reliable life I could come to enjoy on this continent.

In terms of my visa process things are going well. I have everything prepared except for one. My health insurance is in the process of being finalized. It will bleed me dry until I can prove that my income is vastly lower than they are anticipating (2,200 euro a month? There's no way I'll be making that much for at least a year, if ever!) but at the end of the year I'll be reimbursed for anything that I should not have had to pay. So here's looking to a fat check at the end of the year and for a speedy process now.

I've signed a lease (subletting, if you want to be technical, until January) for an apartment in a beautiful part of the city. The view from my window is enough to make my heart sing as I begin to immerse myself in a more fully German environment. The neighborhood is quite far, by Stuttgart standards, from the city center. A full 24 minute public transit ride! But that exclamation mark should be taken with a grain of salt, 24 minutes is nothing, and besides... in Busan it was much, much worse. The distance from the city center makes me happy because perhaps here the level of English will be lower. Perhaps here I will be able to use, fine tune, and progress with my German. Perhaps here I can experience Germany (as truly as one can when surrounded by hotels and situated so closely to the airport).

Right now this is where I belong. I love the food that I have access to here. I love that I get to see my wonderful, fabulous boyfriend more often while here. I love that I'm catching on to the language, that my intense courses are paying off, and that I can potentially reach B1 level by next year (if not sooner). I'm happy to be pursuing the things that are important to me physically - my climbing course has been amazing and I've made some outstanding friends from it, my yoga mat has been calling my name and I'm looking forward to finding outdoor opportunities to practice either in a group or on my own as summer comes around the bend, and I've even been able to try skate skiing, take a 3 day vacation to beautiful Switzerland, and push my body to limits that I haven't done in far too long. The lifestyle that I'm living here is the one that I've been craving. The irony is that this city is the most polluted by the standards of the locals and all I can do whenever I step outside is breathe deeply and fully through my nose - the haze and pollution of my factory surrounded neighborhood of Korea is noticeably absent. My lungs are pleased.

All in all, I'm happy. I can't wait to share my new corner of the globe with my friends and family as time goes on. It's time to being to plan a trip for my family to come visit. It's time to convince my friends that they can save up for a plane ticket to come explore my part of the world. It's time to prove to myself and everyone else that maybe this wandering musician can be established in one part of the world for longer than a year.

After all this time it's time to go for it.

My German Adventure

On Friday afternoon I flew out of Korea, told the immigration office that I was never to return, handed in my Alien Registration Card, and began the 30 hour travel journey away. Included in that time was a 13 hour and 50 minute flight, my longest so far, and hopefully the last flight of that length that I will ever take.

Cut ahead to Saturday afternoon and you will find me in Stuttgart alive and well, with my luggage happily arriving at the same time, and my lovely boyfriend waiting at the gate for me. Stuttgart could not have started better. I spent two days getting to know my new city with my boyfriend, enjoying the fact that we now live on the same continent, going out for coffee, eating dinner together, and wondering aloud about the dramatic political protest and heavy handed Polizei presence throughout.

But alas, all good things must come to an end. With the arrival of Sunday evening I had to allow for the departure of Valentin. Waving goodbye from a train, although significantly easier than from separate sides of the security line at an airport, was still a harsh reminder of what is truly happening in my life right now. I have just moved to a new continent, to a new country and city in which I know no one. Even Valentin lives in a different country, three hours away by bus. I really am starting an entirely new life here.

Let me be the first to say that I love it here. I don't think this feeling is the manifestation of round one of culture shock: the honeymoon period. I think that I am aware of the difficulties, stress, and differences between this home, my last home, and my true home back in the states, and how this will profoundly impact me in the months to come. But I can say with honesty that this type of city, this type of country, this type of lifestyle? This is what I've been craving. Even for a city considered to be not nearly as beautiful as the other options in Germany, Stuttgart is lovely. Even with the weather bordering on foggy clouds, rain and sleet, and snow in the night, Stuttgart is welcoming.

I have no concerns about my family visiting here. I know they will love it. I can't wait for my friends to come see me, I know that we will have much to do. Centrally located between Germany, France, Switzerland, and even Italy to the south, Stuttgart is in the ideal location to jump around from country to country.

My first interview went well and I hope that this time next month I will be chronicling about my first few days of work. I'm meeting some people for coffee tomorrow morning who share similar interests and job titles, so maybe they will come to be friends. But I'm most excited about my bouldering technique course that begins on Thursday. Although it's quite expensive I've decided to commit to a 10 week women's only bouldering class. 5-6 women, 90 minutes a week, and one personal trainer. I can't wait to learn more about how to do the movements that are necessary for climbing. I can't wait to immerse myself in an athletic, adventurous, and encouraging world. I can't wait to push myself physically in a way that's reflective of how I am pushing myself emotionally and socially with this move.

There are so many things I'm realising that I want to do with my life. This happens to everyone, I'm sure. But there's something about moving to a new country that really helps you start over. Or so I'm told. All I know is that I'm feeling more optimistic than ever.

So begins my German adventure.

Being: When Becoming is too much work

In less than a month I will be moving to Stuttgart. I will once again be packing up my things and heading out on a one-way ticket to a new country. However, unlike when I came to Korea 12 months ago, this time I will not be arriving to an organized orientation, established job, and furnished apartment. This time I will be landing without pomp and circumstance. I will be venturing through the airport alone, taking public transit alone, finding my storage site, checking in to my hostel, and finding a cell phone store alone. I will be on my own as I focus on who I want to become, on where I want to live in the city, and on finding a job.

But right now I'm thrilled. I'm getting excited in a way that I didn't really get when I came to Korea. I'm considering Germany as more of a solid place to land, not a temporary pit stop on the way to something else. Sure I'm having troubles visualizing myself being there forever, but I absolutely see myself trying to get established and locked down in the area. I'm researching and enrolling in intensive German courses, ones that last from 08:00-12:45 Monday through Fridays. I am planning which schools to visit and drop resumes off at first. I am going to commit to a health insurance plan before arriving. I have all the citizenship paperwork figured out. I'm doing everything I can possibly think of, anything that can be done from abroad, in order to feel as comfortable as possible when I arrive. I'm doing this all knowing that you can't prepare for everything, it's going to be hard and awkward and lonely, I understand that I might not even find a job. Maybe I'll have to run home with my tail between my legs, find some temporary work, and then head back to Switzerland in June.

Who knows.

But today that's the enticing part of this whole moment. Nobody knows what will happen. I don't know what will happen. I can try to predict, prepare for, and internalize how to respond to the things that happen, but preparation can only go so far.

So today I will simply let myself sink into the butterflies, ease into the energy and excitement of the moment. Today I will let myself be happy and bubbling with the possiblities of what might be, what can be, what will.

Today I will be satisfied with being. That's enough.

meandering thoughts on a friday afternoon

I've already passed the quarter of a century mark and yet since I've left home I've never lived in one place for more than 2 years. I've been running back and forth between college and home, graduate school and bartending, and now Korea and Europe. As I've set my eyes on the next path I've never considered that destination as anything more than a year or two stopover on my way to the next thing.

It's weird to think that many of my friends are becoming married, having children, moving in with their significant others, planting roots. Not weird in any sort of a judgmental sense, just different from what I've been doing. What I am doing. What I will be doing.

There's nothing novel about this. I'm not trying to romanticize the feeling either. It's not some sort of dramatic, adventurous, and enticing life style. I'm not privileged enough to never have concerns about finances, or to be able to go literally anywhere I want. I don't subscribe to the sickening philosophy of wanderlust, romantic solo treks for the sole purpose of self-fulfillment, or some sort of skewed perception of what it actually means to live abroad for a long period of time. I don't cast shade on my friends who have stability, who have bought homes, new cars, and Haustieren. I wish I had a dog. I had just purchased a brand new car before I impulsively decided to leave the country a year and a half ago. There are nights where I want to be home, near my family, with my old friends.

But that's not what I do. Or rather, that's not what I've been doing and what my life has become. This is why even now, as I book a ticket to Europe, I am doing mental acrobatics as I try to wrap my mind around the idea that I will be staying there for a while. For the foreseeable future. For an extended period of time. This is why these thoughts are borderline incomprehensible to me. At my undergrad I lived in the dorms for two years, two different rooms, at the house of a friend's uncle, in a worn down old house with three friends that was condemned and torn down the year after I graduated. After this I went to graduate school where I lived in the same apartment for two years, the longest time in one place since high school. I'm finishing a year in Korea about to run away to Stuttgart. I set up countdowns, set my sights on the future, and have internalized the most efficient method of counting down my time while simultaneously enjoying myself and making it fly by extraordinarily fast.

Even 12+ hour flights have lost their dreary drag and lengthy exhaustion. Now I get on the plane and have internalized the process: take off, ten minutes to seatbelt sign off, ten minutes to water or snacks, naptime, movie time, naptime, writing, a meal, naptime, writing, another drink (maybe wine this time), a movie or two, another meal, another movie, seatbelt sign on, landing. I don't look at my watch, I just wait for the flight attendants to signal what stage of the trip we are on - are they giving out drinks or food? have they passed out landing cards, arrival cards, customs declarations? are they waking people up to set their seats at 90 degrees to prepare for the decent? - and I resign myself to a weary half-asleep slumber mixed in with brief moments of clarity, writing, observation.

The skill of making time fly by seems to be coming with age, which makes sense. When you're 8 you've only seen 8 summers come and go, so that three month period between May and September feels like the greatest extended vacation. As we get older we try to grasp onto these brief spans of time that are feeling shorter and shorter in comparison to the months that we have lived. This may be why I could look you in the eye and say that one year isn't a long time to be on different continents from my boyfriend. This might explain my shameless desire to just run away to another side of the world for a little while. 12 months is nothing. 365 days is brief in comparison to the 9,371 that I've lived.

But here I am, landing seasonal positions in a country that I want to call my home. Booking tickets to an area where the language barrier will be more than a temporary annoyance, where I want and need to immerse myself and become fluent because I will be there for more than a year. Here I am trying to find a way to create stability in my life. Here I am, trying to move forward by planting roots somewhere.

And yet here I am, wondering if the moment I get where I want to be going I can't spend more than a year or two in that place before feeling the itch to move on. How do you find a place and stay there, how do you avoid wondering what it would be like somewhere else? Without the finances to travel the world on lengthy vacations?

I suppose it all depends on who I'm with, how I feel, and whether the place that I'm going is indeed where I want to be.

It all depends on my future definition of "me."

On Anxiety - Overcoming Uncertainty

I feel nauseous and have to fight back the tears threatening to burst. The butterflies in my stomach are making me sick and I can’t breathe. My hands are shaking as my eyes dart wildly around the room.

The edges of my consciousness frantically scramble; clawing and tearing at the last sliver of control that is rapidly being blown beyond my reach. My fingertips feel bloody and raw when I am suddenly overwhelmed by the futility of my effort and the grasping becomes half hearted, eventually stopping altogether.

I shudder and fold over, fold inwards, hiding inside of myself.

With no control and half blind with fear I hold my breath as the strange wind continues to rage. It tears around me, propelling me forward, farther into the unknown. But where is it taking me?

A single tear slips out, immediately torn off my face.

There’s no turning back now.

Gritting my teeth I widen my eyes and take a step forward. 

Suddenly the wind stops. 

I can breathe again. 

One step at a time.

one foot in front of the other

When I flew home for my brother’s wedding in September I took the opportunity to replace some of my things. I brought a bunch of clothes from Busan that I never wore and in return I grabbed a huge stack of flute music, some pans and tea balls from my kitchen, some books, a pillow, and a few other miscellaneous items.

I also chose to bring some posters to put up in my new home, even though I knew I would only be here for a few more months. One is a replica of Van Gogh’s starry night – a beautiful blue poster featuring bold brush strokes and an unidentified couple near the river with a city landscape and starry sky on the horizon. It’s a poster I bought at a tumultuous personal time and it has always had a soothing effect on me. Continuing with this blue theme I brought back a piece of spray paint art that I bought on my first trip to New York. It is old and battered and may soon be thrown away, but it reminds me of the sense of excitement and energy I had for traveling, for being somewhere new and different. It reminds me of the first time I forsook a grim practicality with finances and chose to go out on a limb and buy a ticket for the experience, rather than pass it up for the financial stability.

The third poster is the most important one for me, as of late.

It's an image of an androgynous shadowy figure running through the woods at twilight with a quote from Carlos Castaneda stating: "We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."

I put it on the wall next to my music stand near the door. Every morning I walk by it as I prepare for the day. Every night I glance at it as I begin a practice session. It’s in front of me as I do yoga each day.

It’s my reminder that everyday should be a step forward. It doesn't have to be a huge leap, you can inch forward by choosing to do some small thing with a positive impact on your daily life, or you can charge forward with abandon and redefine who you are. But know that if you choose to do nothing, if you choose to dwell in some sense of stasis and lethargy, you are actively making yourself miserable. Even if it feels to you as if you are simply not actively bettering yourself, you are choosing to be in a way that does not resonate with who you are.

That’s not to say that you can’t take personal days, even from yourself. Sometimes we need time to recharge.

But each day we make a choice, strength or misery, forward or backward, yes or no.

For me, today was a small step. I drafted, edited, and submitted an application to a music school in Zurich. It was only one application. It was for a position that isn’t hiring and might not even look over my information and I had to sacrifice my flute time to do it.

But I can rest easy tonight knowing that there is one more chance for employment, one more opportunity for the future, thanks to that one hour of focused work.

I can approach my yoga mat feeling calm and ready to embrace this strength – a mental fortitude or optimism and effort that will easily transfer into the physical strength required for my yoga practice.

I can sleep with a sense of accomplishment rather than a pervasive sense of unease. For the little things are what make you feel that you have control. I am not a wait-er, I am a do-er and I attribute this fact to any success I’ve had up to this point. When I begin to feel stressed butterflies soaring in my stomach before going to sleep at night I know that something needs to happen.

Even if it’s a little thing. 

because nobody is perfect

It is kind of fascinating taking a step back and analyzing your mindset and reactions towards the world around you. These last two months have been so undeniably wonderful and satisfying that it is only natural for me to be falling into a bit of a slump now that I am back to work.

But this morning I allowed myself to dwell in a negative and unhappy attitude for much longer than I normally would let happen. Everything was bothering me. The people staring at their cell phones while walking and swerving into me all over the sidewalk, the businesses with irregular hours, the elderly women slamming into me as I wait for a bus, the guys on the bus taking up three quarters of the seat and pushing me into the window. The sun. The air. The traffic.

Everything. Grated. On. Me.

I wanted to leave. If I didn’t have this bit of credit card debt I might have. Book a one way ticket, end up somewhere you want to be, propel your career forward rather than staying in this slump. These were my thoughts. As if transporting myself from here to there would magically fix my attitude. As if Korea was the problem instead of my mindset.

As if I had no control over myself, my attitude, or my future while I was in this country.

Fortunately I was able to dislodge my head from the deep crevices of my body before I ruined my entire day.

The beauty of my life is that I am living abroad, I’m surrounded by a new culture, I’m working with awesome, strange, and sometimes overwhelming schools, teachers, and students. I’m doing something that, although I don’t intend to do forever, I am able to find happiness and joy in. And I am also able to look forward to the future and move myself in a direction I can be proud of.

Sometimes all I want is to let myself dwell in negativity and unhappiness. Wishing I were somewhere else, wishing I was doing something else, wishing for something other than I have, regardless of what it is. But this is such a wasted energy and ambition because when I am in that magical “other place” I am going to have the same bad days, the same mornings waking up on the wrong side of the bed and slamming my head against the wall, the same unhappiness. What matters is how I turn those days around.

If my experiences here were really terrible, if nothing made me happy and I had no reason to stay - I would not hesitate to hop on a plane. If I found something else that I wanted to do, something that was more focused on me and my dreams and passions I would take less than two hours to pack all of my things and be out of this country. If there was no reason for me to stay then I would be gone.

But there are so many reasons for me to be where I am. Even if sometimes that reason is simply to remind myself that I don’t need to live an ideal, utopian life in order to be happy, or to tell myself that I can keep my focus and passion moving forward regardless of personal circumstances. There are so many reasons for me to be where I am.

Sometimes I just need to tell myself to be happy and yes, it’s as simple as that.

But it helps when some of your classes are cancelled and your students are all taking a giant ballet lesson in the auditorium. Really, Korea? Sometimes you know exactly how to make my day.

Living Unapologetically

I'm not the first expatriate, immigrant, or tourist to find myself treading carefully in a new culture. The last thing I want to do is offend the people that are my neighbors, no matter how long I intend to stay in a certain place. Whether a week in India, a year in Busan, or a lifetime in the states, I have always tried to live my life in a way that is harmonious to the lives of others around me. Courtesy. Empathy. Compassion. I don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable because of something I have said or done.

This mindset has never before bubbled so close to the surface with such consistency as it has the last six months here in Korea. I've been careful about how I eat, what I eat, what I wear, where I put my chopsticks after my meal, how I greet people. Almost every element of daily life that I take for granted when home I have been hypersensitive to as I find myself in such a drastically different place.

I'm not saying that is not a bad thing. That is how I have learned to live in the Korean way (or as close to it as a non-Korean speaking foreigner can).

However, at some point I have let this sensitivity to these cultural differences stop me from living my life. I have let my new city stop me from doing the things I want to do to live forward and work ahead in my career.

As this page is titled, I am a wandering musician. I play the flute. I am a classically trained orchestral musician. With this title comes a huge responsibility: practicing. Practicing daily. Practicing when you don't want to. Practicing the things that sound terrible. Running drills, scales, arpeggios. Technical work that I love. Long tones that are low. Long tones that are high. Long tones that seem like they will never end. Breathing exercises. Yoga. Meditation.

The first six months in Korea I barely touched my flute. I felt a bit lost. I was caught up trying to figure out my future career because I was ignoring the one that I truly loved. I was trying to change who I am into something I'm not.

This is not Koreas fault. I am not blaming my location.

Instead it was a complex culmination of countless different factors that have been building since before I finished my Masters degree. But therein lies a different blogpost.

Right now I'm looking forward. I've stopped being afraid of offending my neighbors and have picked up my instrument again. I'm applying for festivals, masterclasses, and orchestral auditions. I'm practicing (within decent hours), I'm exercising (outside of those decent hours), and I'm living my life in the truest form that I can.

You see I'm still being sensitive to my neighbors. I don't play my flute before 8 am or after 9 pm. I refrain from high piccolo work in my apartment (because really, nobody deserves that torture). I'm still conscious of cultural difference and carry myself in a way that resonates with these new cultural norms. But I am no longer changing all of who I am to make sure that others are happy. This was never my intention, but it was essentially what was happening.

It's time for me to do me. It's time for me to live shamelessly because that is who I am.

It's time to live unapologetically.

How did I get here?

I was late. Half a cup of homemade latte sat on my desk (still hot) as I jogged down the street. We couldn’t find the bus. That was okay. The subway it is. 90 minutes later we climbed the stairs and and stepped into the sun. The hike began. It wasn’t the hike I was expecting, more of a walk really. I felt silly with my pack. But my pack came in handy to hold the wine and snacks.

Up and down some hills, sitting by a lighthouse, photos on the rocks, wandering to the beach, photos on the sand. With the sun in my face and a drink in my hand I wondered: How did I get here?

What an EPIK Opportunity!

Busan, here I come!

It’s official: by this time next month I will be living in Busan, South Korea, teaching English to a bunch of Korean students, and having the time of my life! This is such an amazing opportunity and I am very excited to be taking this step forward. In a world that is so closely connected thanks to the Internet and other technologies, it is extremely important that we take the time to really understand and appreciate other cultures and ways of life. This year abroad in Korea is going to help me do just that. I hope to gain a new understanding of different educational systems and learning styles while simultaneously immersing myself if a completely foreign way of life.

I am excited about the students, the culture, and the location. I can’t wait to meet other teachers like myself, make new friends, and grow as a person. I am thrilled to be able to see new sites, live on the ocean, and to eat a wildly different type of food for a year.

At the same time I am nervous: I have never been so far away from my family, I have never taught English as a second language in such an in depth and important way. I am worried that I will struggle with the new alphabet, language, and way of life.

But if we never step out of our comfort zone we will never grow! So I will take these fears and trepidations and use the energy they develop for good: I will prepare as best I can, spend as much time with my family and friends as possible, and be ready to leap into the unknown!

If you are interested, I have recently published a new website devoted to my career, teaching philosophy, studio, and a blog devoted specifically to music, musical careers, and musical opportunities available to musicians today. You might notice that the blog post “Black Note Syndrome” has been taken down from this site and moved to that one. If you want to see more posts similar to that, make sure to check up on my new site (krystlejane.weebly.com) under the page “Pedagogy Corner.”

Thanks from the wandering musician,

KrystleJane  

a day in the life

“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen…”

I can’t stop listening to Macklemore. The more music by Ben Haggerty that I find, the more I fall in love with him as a lyricist, artist, and musician. Otherside, Vipassana, Fallin, they are all just great songs that have depth and real meaning. They are especially fitting for the low moods that I sometimes stumble into here at the festival when I start thinking about the amount of money I was scammed out of to come here. It never makes sense to me but when I’m down or mad or upset about something I often just need to listen to some loud/angry rap, or some deep/thought provoking hip hop. Macklemore has come in at the perfect time and I can’t put my headphones down. It’s a great feeling when you hit up a new song that just resonates with you, and that has happened a lot lately.

Stepping outside of my hotel room and away from my headphones and I’m still in Rome. This morning I stopped by Campo dei Fiori for some delicious freshly ripened fruit and decided to take that breakfast over to Castel de Saint Angelo to take in some more of the city while I ate. This was my first lone excursion around for an extended period of time (not out of fear of being alone but simply because there is usually someone bumming around the hotel that wants to join me) and it was excellent. The weather has finally cooled down and today it was cloudy with a nice breeze. Granted it is still 30 degrees Celsius out there, which is pretty hot, it feels nice compared to where it was my first week here. After eating and relaxing in the shade for a while I decided to swing by the Trevi Fountain again so that I could make a wish and throw some money into the fountain. I heard that doing that guarantees that you will be back in Rome at some point in your life, which is something I would love to do. While at Trevi I heard an amazing violinist playing through some repertoire in the streets and I was surprised at the lack of people watching/enjoying his music because it was legitimately quite good. But then I suppose I didn’t stick around for very long either. I felt like walking and I was feeling too claustrophobic to stay immersed in the tourists at the major touristy areas so I found myself moving on quickly away from the violin player.

I love being surrounded by the history, the architecture, and the art in this place. When taking back alleys and different routes I always, without fail, find myself stumbling into a small Piazza or Villa with beautiful depictions of Jesus (you find Jesus everywhere here), picturesque statues, or even bountiful gardens and fountains. It’s overwhelming at times. America turned 233 today and that seems like a long time until you realize that Rome was founded somewhere around 625 BC. Which would make Rome what, 2638 years old? Damn. No wonder it’s overwhelming coming here, where the mold in some of these buildings is probably older then the country that I come from. That mold has some history, but that doesn’t make it any easier to breathe.

I’m glad that I will get the chance to go to Prague and then come back to Rome again before coming home to the states. I feel like leaving Rome and then coming back shortly thereafter will be a good way for me to re-appreciate the city in a fresh new way. Especially since I will be coming back alone. Travelling alone is always a more insightful and revealing experience then traveling with friends, whether they are new or old friends. When I’m alone I get to decide what it is that I’m going to do and I can’t just allow someone else to decide for me. Easy going and relaxed, sometimes I need to be selfish and do what I want to do, which is far easier to do when I’m alone.

Rambling stream of consciousness, pardon the lack of focus in this post. Just some wandering thoughts from this wandering musician.

Arrival.

What did I learn about myself today? That throwing me in a foreign country with absolutely no idea of what’s going on and taking away my cell phone with its internet and gps system results in a very flustered, very lost, very angry attitude for me. I definitely wandered around for about two hours trying to find my hotel after the sketchy “cab” driver dropped me off and pointed me in a vague direction down a street. “It is right down there, you can’t miss it,” drives off in a hurry. Well he was wrong. But that’s okay! Because you know what else I learned about myself today? That take away everything that I have always relied on, and my ingenuity kicks in! I bought a map from some random guy on the street, tried to mime and communicate with locals looking for my hotel, and got some damn good exercise after sitting on a plane or in an airport for eighteen hours all before finding my hotel and getting in to my room. Boom. Beautiful.

Rome was both not what I expected and totally what I expected at the same time. Which I know is a contradiction but that’s the way it is. I look forward to exploring more of it tomorrow. Getting off of the plane and hopping onto the train Rome was very rundown and kind of icky looking, but the closer I got to the city the prettier it became. I can’t wait to go to St. Peter’s, The Fountains of Rome, the Colosseum, the piazzas of rome, to the Vatican Museum and anywhere else I can wander to! The first day of the festival was a bit disappointing if I’m to be completely honest. I had very different expectations for the end result, although the vocalists that were featured at our concert tonight (yes I played for forty five minutes in a rehearsal and then performed in a concert on that repertoire, nuts) were excellent. That’s a good sign. But rather then dwell on the missed expectations there I think I’ll leave the discussion of the festival for a later day. Maybe it will get better. If not I will just spend more and more of my time wandering around this beautiful city and planning my week and a half backpacking adventure after the festival is over. Let’s stay optimistic about the festival though! If anything I can use this time to practice and prepare myself for my final year of graduate school.

I miss have instant access to my good friends back at home every time I want to chat. It’s ridiculous how reliant we become on our technology like cell phones, internet, facebook, email, and countless other things. Ask yourself, how many times did I check my email today? Or how many text messages have I sent in the last hour? For me those numbers are extraordinarily high so I’m even looking forward to the opportunity to wean myself out of those addictions as well. That being said I’m still on the lookout for a pool hall. Because lets be honest, how many of you thought I could stay away from a pool table for over a month?

times they are a changin

I’m not usually a fan of declaring New Year’s resolutions. I feel like people more often then not announce their list of life changing resolutions on the first of January (many of them referencing alcohol and the moderation they hope to embody) only to just shift back to their original habits by the first of February. That being said, I do think that every once in a while we should reflect on our lives and look at what there is in it that makes us happy, what makes us sad, where our stress comes from, and our happiness? If there are changes to be made, then incorporate them slowly—change one element of your life, once that has become habit, alter another element, and so on.

My resolution is not one of physique or consumption—I have already changed these elements of my life, and although they are not perfect they are not the new change for the New Year. Instead I am focusing on my mentality, the way I handle different situations, and the ways in which I deal with change.

Change is a funny thing. It can be gradual—where, in the middle of it, you don’t even realize it’s happening until you reflect back on where you were before. Or it can be drastic and life changing, where you would have to be blind or dumb not to realize that something just happened. This sort of change is the one that most people focus on, fear, and avoid at all costs. The end of a relationship, a move to a new city, state, or country, the loss of a loved one, or starting all over with a new job, these are all things that cause pain, uncertainty, and trepidation.

But sometimes it’s the gradual changes that we should be more aware of. The gradual diminishing of conversation and interaction between friends, the drifting apart of loved ones, but also the systematic building of strength as you work out, the piecemeal revelations of your self.

Over Christmas these two types of change were combined into one epic, awful relationship explosion. Simultaneously everything changed and yet there has been a gradual effort of rebuilding what once was. And it’s making me appreciate the little things that had previously gone unnoticed. The way one doesn’t notice as one builds trust and comfort in a relationship. The way in which, if not careful, two people can gradually take each other for granted. The fact that, even if we think we do, in our twenties most of us don’t really know what we want and need in our lives. And that we sometimes overcomplicate it through our ceaseless need to share our lives with another. Even more so that it is completely worth it to do so, it is worth the possibility of a break up that a relationship brings. 

But sometimes the end is at the back of your mind, and you don’t know how to make it go away. You don’t know how to handle the change that a break up brings, the open ended possibilities, the self-reliance and lack of commitment to another when making choices. When the future has always included another in your mind, what do you do when that other is no longer? Whether it be a significant other, a family member, or a good friend, this absence can be extremely profound.

Even if that absence is temporary—perhaps you are travelling alone, rather than with a friend, now you can do whatever it is that You want without having to compromise with another. Does this excite you? Or does it make you nervous; do you not know what to do?

One thing about this upcoming year is for certain: I will be travelling to Europe for the first time, and I will be alone for the first three weeks of my trip. I hope to have friends join me after those three weeks, but that isn’t even for sure. What will I do when I land in the airport, don’t speak the language and have no idea where I am? I can speculate about what I will do, but the only thing for sure is that when I get there, something will be done. I need to take comfort in the fact that I am strong and independent, and that when I make it to Rome I will be able to stand on my own two feet. There is a lot of time between now and then, so who knows what will happen, and I think that the best thing to do is to just trust myself.

My New Year’s resolution, then, can be seen to be to trust myself. To do what I do and know that it’s what I do, so have fun while doing it. This resolution isn’t a fad, it’s not me committing to some stupid diet or crazy exercise program, it’s a fundamental mental revaluation of my self, and I will commit to it. 

Success

 I have been invited to the Rome Festival this summer as a section flute! Despite the fact that this means I will not be getting any solos and that I will be rotated on parts (a.k.a. I will not be playing on every piece) I could not be happier. This means that I will have more spare time to travel, work with chamber ensembles, hang out with fellow musicians/dancers/designers and just enjoy life! Now all there is to do is learn some Italian and keep on practicing!

I will get to combine my passion for music, history, and architecture with my very poorly developed passion for travel. I have wanted to go abroad for years now, and I'm glad I finally realized that I might have to combine my career with my vacations because here I am planning a trip to Italy in June. The chance to meet so many new people, to finally begin a real career in orchestral music while also working on expanding my skills into different musical fields, and just thoroughly enjoy myself (being selfish enough to only think about myself for a month or two) are just driving me crazy right now. 

Rome!!

Now is the time for me to focus on the mundane, but extremely important, elements of finances. Contributions to me for this festival are tax deductible and I can use all the help I can get, if anyone is interested leave me a note in the comments and I will get you more information. Perhaps I will set up a benefit concert, pick up a few more jobs, or just try to eat as little as possible for the next year in preparation for the costs of the trip. Regardless of how, I will be going to Italy this summer.

It still feels surreal. Excitement. 

The Window Seat

As I was taking off from the Denver International Airport the other day I was glued to the window-watching planes taking off, landing, taxiing around the runway and unloading. I was thinking about the stories of all of the people on board those planes- where are they going? who are they with? what do they do? Each plane, each tiny house that gets smaller as the plane ascends into the heavens, all of the cars filled with people—they all have a story.

Gazing out the window I was thinking about my interaction with another passenger at the airport. A Latino woman, clearly frazzled and exhausted, had collapsed into the seat next to me at the gate. She was fidgety and nervous and yet so exhausted that her movements were fairly lethargic. This contradictory mental/emotional state is one that made complete sense to me, as I too have been both so exhausted that I don’t want to move and yet so excited/nervous about something that my body can’t help but to twitch and spasm.

Soon after she sat down the bench seat I was on started bouncing. I was rocked out of my quasi-slumber and, looking down, I saw that the lady next to me was vigorously shaking her legs and feet. This unconscious movement of hers was so severe that my seat was visibly rocking back and forth. It was at this point that I noticed that we had the same pair of Pumas on. So, being the sophisticated and well-spoken member of society that I am, I blurted out “Hey! We have the same shoes! Cool!...” and immediately felt like a complete fool. One does not simply blurt out ones every thought, and yet I seem to do this on a regular basis.  Luckily for my ego, the woman cheerfully laughed and we were able to strike up a comfortable conversation.

A spanish teacher at the school I am attending, this woman loved to travel, had children and a husband who was passionate about music, had much to say, and many things in common with me. I learned that traveling to Europe was remarkable, easy, cheaper than expected, and would change my life. I learned that I need to see the French film Amelie, and that I should embrace the freedom that I have at this time. We chatted easily for the remaining forty-five minutes before our plane arrived.

In this time I couldn't help but wonder what would happen if only we could focus on the similarities between ourselves and others—if looking into different cultures didn’t bring out the strange music and customs, but rather the similarities in spirit, goals and dreams. If only looking into something quite different didn't only show the obvious differences but also the hidden similarities: sometimes as mundane as the same shoes.

After getting onto the plane and into my seat, my eyes settled on the view from the window. I saw workers, pilots, flight attendants, and the occasional glimpse of passengers hopping on planes. Something drew my attention back to the inside of the plane and I looked up just as the woman I had so easily befriended walked by. “Have a good flight” seemed somehow too cheesy, “thank you for our conversation” seemed too awkward, so instead I simply smiled and nodded at her as she walked by. As she returned the smile and hastened to her own seat I was reminded of the ultimate goal of most people: the desire to return home and the often overwhelming need to feel the security and acceptance of family and friends. A security that one can find only in a place called home.