An honest reflection

I've nearly reached the three month point of my stay here in Europe. 3 months will be exactly on June 4th. I know that because that's the date I've been fixated on, stressing about, and getting myself all worked up over.

You see, I'm currently here on a Schengen tourist visa. I have already obtained my work visa for Switzerland this summer, but that does not begin until June 25th. The tourist visa lasts for *only* 90 days, and June 4th is my last official day of that visa. I have already submitted all of the necessary paperwork, obtained the jobs, and found a place to live. But unfortunately for me the Arbeit Agentur (work agency) is taking forever to respond to my request. Until they give the thumbs up on me being able to take an English teaching position in this country, there's nothing I (or the visa office here in Leinfelden) can do.

For the first few weeks that wasn't a problem - I was taking a German class that was sucking up all of my time and energy. But a few weeks ago that course ended. I was able to fly home for an unexpected mother's day / birthday / parent's anniversary celebration and also go to Switzerland for a long weekend. But even with these positive things happening, even though I'm in a place that I'm excited to be in, living in a great flat with good roommates, and able to visit my boyfriend more often than ever before (other than when we lived in the Laramie together, which seems like ages ago) I've been slipping into a depressed lull.

No work visa means no job. No job means no new money coming in. No new money coming in means living off of my savings. And living off of my savings means that they will eventually (read: NOW) be depleted. So rather than enjoy myself, I've been dwelling on the eventual lack of money and resources that is coming.

I've been fixated on my student loans, my ridiculously high insurance premium, my rent and food. And as everyone knows, focusing entirely on financial things (especially when, well, you know, you don't have much money to begin with) can become a black hole of despair and depression.

So rather than feeling proud of myself for making it to where I am, I have been focusing on the few things that I can't control.

I'm proud, and at the same time a little ashamed that it took this long, to say that as of today enough is enough. I've decided to start training for a 10k next spring, I want to do the race in under 56 minutes. I've decided to take advantage of this time of unemployment with a much more intense and serious flute practice schedule. This is basically the time that I've been dreaming of since I finished my Master's - essentially free time that I can devote to all of the things I want to work on with my flute. That means an extremely in depth study of the traditional excerpts for audition lists, a focus on Telemann Fantasies and the tonal and articulation issues that I have with music in that register. Here is my chance to explore and grow without feeling bad for taking time away from something else.

I literally have nothing else!

It's time to finish my website, write up my studio and parent contracts for future students, and reach out to my contact who is going to introduce me to some of the conductors in the area.

Rather than fearing how I'm going to make my money in the immediate future I'm going to pursue the future that I really want - an orchestra career and a thriving flute studio. That all starts with a return to the basics. Long tones, scales, articulation. Everything that I know and love.

It is a bit frustrating how often I swing back and forth from serious study to distraction. I'm sure my old teachers, some family members, and friends are probably tired of hearing this. But I think that I just need to embrace that this is the way I get sometimes.

So now the things that I can control - my physical fitness, the food I eat, what I do with all of this spare time - these are the things that I'm going to focus on. No more depressed focus on the fact that my work visa hasn't arrived. In a few weeks I'll be working in Switzerland and getting a consistent pay check for the summer. I'm not going to end up homeless. Not yet, anyways.

Now with the beautiful weather of early summer arriving, so too will my refreshed perspective. And with that perhaps I can expect more success in the arena that is of utmost importance to me: music.

On Germany - progress and happiness

A lot of breath was wasted telling me that I couldn't do what I'm trying to do. That one doesn't move to the European Union with the hopes of landing a work visa as a freelancing English teacher. That one shouldn't travel and try to make a life that they can be truly happy with when they have the burden of student loans. That, in that regard, one should take the time to make a living before attempting to make a life.

Many of the loudest voices have come from those I met in my travels abroad. The English teacher in Busan would loudly exclaim that it's not possible to teach English in Europe - that everyone there already knows it and besides, with the refugee crisis in Germany there's no chance that I'll be able to get a visa. The comfort of a salaried position in an Asian country where everything was already organized, where the pay-check was predictable, relatively timely, and comfortable enough to allow for some wild trips (with only a mild amount of credit card debt to show for it) was absolutely hard for me to leave behind. I can see the allure of staying there in lieu of running off to the uncertain, freelancing nature of a European adventure. I'm not saying that outspoken expat was wrong, I'm just saying that he definitely was not right.

I've been here for a month. I came here because of one guaranteed interview in advance with a company that, unfortunately, I won't be pursuing for work purposes. Instead I opened my doors to some other schools and had two bites immediately. The process was the same for both: one phone call, a dropped off resume, one job interview, and one instantaneous job offer. Both interviewers started in my postition, English teachers infatuated with the European lifestyle and the German language. Both had to build a full schedule from scratch at their respective schools. Both are now in managerial positions, hiring and organizing, leading teaching seminars, and jumping in when their teachers are sick or on vacation. They have been insanely helpful and I haven't had any doubts that if I have a random question about the visa process, or come across and glitch or hurdle, they would respond quickly and with the knowledgable advice that can only come from one who has not only been their themselves, but who has helped countless others through the process over the years. They are unwittingly serving as examples of the sort of stable and reliable life I could come to enjoy on this continent.

In terms of my visa process things are going well. I have everything prepared except for one. My health insurance is in the process of being finalized. It will bleed me dry until I can prove that my income is vastly lower than they are anticipating (2,200 euro a month? There's no way I'll be making that much for at least a year, if ever!) but at the end of the year I'll be reimbursed for anything that I should not have had to pay. So here's looking to a fat check at the end of the year and for a speedy process now.

I've signed a lease (subletting, if you want to be technical, until January) for an apartment in a beautiful part of the city. The view from my window is enough to make my heart sing as I begin to immerse myself in a more fully German environment. The neighborhood is quite far, by Stuttgart standards, from the city center. A full 24 minute public transit ride! But that exclamation mark should be taken with a grain of salt, 24 minutes is nothing, and besides... in Busan it was much, much worse. The distance from the city center makes me happy because perhaps here the level of English will be lower. Perhaps here I will be able to use, fine tune, and progress with my German. Perhaps here I can experience Germany (as truly as one can when surrounded by hotels and situated so closely to the airport).

Right now this is where I belong. I love the food that I have access to here. I love that I get to see my wonderful, fabulous boyfriend more often while here. I love that I'm catching on to the language, that my intense courses are paying off, and that I can potentially reach B1 level by next year (if not sooner). I'm happy to be pursuing the things that are important to me physically - my climbing course has been amazing and I've made some outstanding friends from it, my yoga mat has been calling my name and I'm looking forward to finding outdoor opportunities to practice either in a group or on my own as summer comes around the bend, and I've even been able to try skate skiing, take a 3 day vacation to beautiful Switzerland, and push my body to limits that I haven't done in far too long. The lifestyle that I'm living here is the one that I've been craving. The irony is that this city is the most polluted by the standards of the locals and all I can do whenever I step outside is breathe deeply and fully through my nose - the haze and pollution of my factory surrounded neighborhood of Korea is noticeably absent. My lungs are pleased.

All in all, I'm happy. I can't wait to share my new corner of the globe with my friends and family as time goes on. It's time to being to plan a trip for my family to come visit. It's time to convince my friends that they can save up for a plane ticket to come explore my part of the world. It's time to prove to myself and everyone else that maybe this wandering musician can be established in one part of the world for longer than a year.

After all this time it's time to go for it.

My German Adventure

On Friday afternoon I flew out of Korea, told the immigration office that I was never to return, handed in my Alien Registration Card, and began the 30 hour travel journey away. Included in that time was a 13 hour and 50 minute flight, my longest so far, and hopefully the last flight of that length that I will ever take.

Cut ahead to Saturday afternoon and you will find me in Stuttgart alive and well, with my luggage happily arriving at the same time, and my lovely boyfriend waiting at the gate for me. Stuttgart could not have started better. I spent two days getting to know my new city with my boyfriend, enjoying the fact that we now live on the same continent, going out for coffee, eating dinner together, and wondering aloud about the dramatic political protest and heavy handed Polizei presence throughout.

But alas, all good things must come to an end. With the arrival of Sunday evening I had to allow for the departure of Valentin. Waving goodbye from a train, although significantly easier than from separate sides of the security line at an airport, was still a harsh reminder of what is truly happening in my life right now. I have just moved to a new continent, to a new country and city in which I know no one. Even Valentin lives in a different country, three hours away by bus. I really am starting an entirely new life here.

Let me be the first to say that I love it here. I don't think this feeling is the manifestation of round one of culture shock: the honeymoon period. I think that I am aware of the difficulties, stress, and differences between this home, my last home, and my true home back in the states, and how this will profoundly impact me in the months to come. But I can say with honesty that this type of city, this type of country, this type of lifestyle? This is what I've been craving. Even for a city considered to be not nearly as beautiful as the other options in Germany, Stuttgart is lovely. Even with the weather bordering on foggy clouds, rain and sleet, and snow in the night, Stuttgart is welcoming.

I have no concerns about my family visiting here. I know they will love it. I can't wait for my friends to come see me, I know that we will have much to do. Centrally located between Germany, France, Switzerland, and even Italy to the south, Stuttgart is in the ideal location to jump around from country to country.

My first interview went well and I hope that this time next month I will be chronicling about my first few days of work. I'm meeting some people for coffee tomorrow morning who share similar interests and job titles, so maybe they will come to be friends. But I'm most excited about my bouldering technique course that begins on Thursday. Although it's quite expensive I've decided to commit to a 10 week women's only bouldering class. 5-6 women, 90 minutes a week, and one personal trainer. I can't wait to learn more about how to do the movements that are necessary for climbing. I can't wait to immerse myself in an athletic, adventurous, and encouraging world. I can't wait to push myself physically in a way that's reflective of how I am pushing myself emotionally and socially with this move.

There are so many things I'm realising that I want to do with my life. This happens to everyone, I'm sure. But there's something about moving to a new country that really helps you start over. Or so I'm told. All I know is that I'm feeling more optimistic than ever.

So begins my German adventure.

Being: When Becoming is too much work

In less than a month I will be moving to Stuttgart. I will once again be packing up my things and heading out on a one-way ticket to a new country. However, unlike when I came to Korea 12 months ago, this time I will not be arriving to an organized orientation, established job, and furnished apartment. This time I will be landing without pomp and circumstance. I will be venturing through the airport alone, taking public transit alone, finding my storage site, checking in to my hostel, and finding a cell phone store alone. I will be on my own as I focus on who I want to become, on where I want to live in the city, and on finding a job.

But right now I'm thrilled. I'm getting excited in a way that I didn't really get when I came to Korea. I'm considering Germany as more of a solid place to land, not a temporary pit stop on the way to something else. Sure I'm having troubles visualizing myself being there forever, but I absolutely see myself trying to get established and locked down in the area. I'm researching and enrolling in intensive German courses, ones that last from 08:00-12:45 Monday through Fridays. I am planning which schools to visit and drop resumes off at first. I am going to commit to a health insurance plan before arriving. I have all the citizenship paperwork figured out. I'm doing everything I can possibly think of, anything that can be done from abroad, in order to feel as comfortable as possible when I arrive. I'm doing this all knowing that you can't prepare for everything, it's going to be hard and awkward and lonely, I understand that I might not even find a job. Maybe I'll have to run home with my tail between my legs, find some temporary work, and then head back to Switzerland in June.

Who knows.

But today that's the enticing part of this whole moment. Nobody knows what will happen. I don't know what will happen. I can try to predict, prepare for, and internalize how to respond to the things that happen, but preparation can only go so far.

So today I will simply let myself sink into the butterflies, ease into the energy and excitement of the moment. Today I will let myself be happy and bubbling with the possiblities of what might be, what can be, what will.

Today I will be satisfied with being. That's enough.

meandering thoughts on a friday afternoon

I've already passed the quarter of a century mark and yet since I've left home I've never lived in one place for more than 2 years. I've been running back and forth between college and home, graduate school and bartending, and now Korea and Europe. As I've set my eyes on the next path I've never considered that destination as anything more than a year or two stopover on my way to the next thing.

It's weird to think that many of my friends are becoming married, having children, moving in with their significant others, planting roots. Not weird in any sort of a judgmental sense, just different from what I've been doing. What I am doing. What I will be doing.

There's nothing novel about this. I'm not trying to romanticize the feeling either. It's not some sort of dramatic, adventurous, and enticing life style. I'm not privileged enough to never have concerns about finances, or to be able to go literally anywhere I want. I don't subscribe to the sickening philosophy of wanderlust, romantic solo treks for the sole purpose of self-fulfillment, or some sort of skewed perception of what it actually means to live abroad for a long period of time. I don't cast shade on my friends who have stability, who have bought homes, new cars, and Haustieren. I wish I had a dog. I had just purchased a brand new car before I impulsively decided to leave the country a year and a half ago. There are nights where I want to be home, near my family, with my old friends.

But that's not what I do. Or rather, that's not what I've been doing and what my life has become. This is why even now, as I book a ticket to Europe, I am doing mental acrobatics as I try to wrap my mind around the idea that I will be staying there for a while. For the foreseeable future. For an extended period of time. This is why these thoughts are borderline incomprehensible to me. At my undergrad I lived in the dorms for two years, two different rooms, at the house of a friend's uncle, in a worn down old house with three friends that was condemned and torn down the year after I graduated. After this I went to graduate school where I lived in the same apartment for two years, the longest time in one place since high school. I'm finishing a year in Korea about to run away to Stuttgart. I set up countdowns, set my sights on the future, and have internalized the most efficient method of counting down my time while simultaneously enjoying myself and making it fly by extraordinarily fast.

Even 12+ hour flights have lost their dreary drag and lengthy exhaustion. Now I get on the plane and have internalized the process: take off, ten minutes to seatbelt sign off, ten minutes to water or snacks, naptime, movie time, naptime, writing, a meal, naptime, writing, another drink (maybe wine this time), a movie or two, another meal, another movie, seatbelt sign on, landing. I don't look at my watch, I just wait for the flight attendants to signal what stage of the trip we are on - are they giving out drinks or food? have they passed out landing cards, arrival cards, customs declarations? are they waking people up to set their seats at 90 degrees to prepare for the decent? - and I resign myself to a weary half-asleep slumber mixed in with brief moments of clarity, writing, observation.

The skill of making time fly by seems to be coming with age, which makes sense. When you're 8 you've only seen 8 summers come and go, so that three month period between May and September feels like the greatest extended vacation. As we get older we try to grasp onto these brief spans of time that are feeling shorter and shorter in comparison to the months that we have lived. This may be why I could look you in the eye and say that one year isn't a long time to be on different continents from my boyfriend. This might explain my shameless desire to just run away to another side of the world for a little while. 12 months is nothing. 365 days is brief in comparison to the 9,371 that I've lived.

But here I am, landing seasonal positions in a country that I want to call my home. Booking tickets to an area where the language barrier will be more than a temporary annoyance, where I want and need to immerse myself and become fluent because I will be there for more than a year. Here I am trying to find a way to create stability in my life. Here I am, trying to move forward by planting roots somewhere.

And yet here I am, wondering if the moment I get where I want to be going I can't spend more than a year or two in that place before feeling the itch to move on. How do you find a place and stay there, how do you avoid wondering what it would be like somewhere else? Without the finances to travel the world on lengthy vacations?

I suppose it all depends on who I'm with, how I feel, and whether the place that I'm going is indeed where I want to be.

It all depends on my future definition of "me."

On the Feeling of Futility

How do you do it, my fellow Americans? How do you hold yourself back, bite your tongue, stay in your lane? I know you’re out there. I know that these gun crimes which have been increasing with such regularity that the tactless anonymous person on the internet joking that December’s massacre happened early and that maybe there will be another one squeezed in before Christmas holidays begin leads you not to rage at his cruelty but rather to sadly hoping that’s not true. But not doubting that it might be.

You see it so often you don’t know what to do. The politicians continue to pray away and react to the problem and save face by showing support and remorse for those involved. You watch them offer their well wishes, hoping the victims will stay strong, the police will do their job, and that they can continue to pretend that they will be an effective president.

How do you do it? How do you keep from divisive political rants? The gun violence, rampant racism, pervasive sexism, and ignorant classism (just to name a few) – how do you keep it off your newsfeed? Off your wall? Out of your conversations?

When one of the few speaks up on your newsfeed they are attacked – they are called extremists, crazy left wing liberals, surely there is something wrong with them, they want to take away our rights, and anyways, why should we punish Honest Hard-working Harry who simply wants to take his gun out and kill some helpless animals?

How do you ignore it? You’re passionate, you’re educated, you’ve anticipated the typical responses and addressed them. You've drafted a lengthy response, you've bared your true feelings, you are prepared to hit “share” “send” or “post.” But then you take a deep breath, delete it, and continue to scroll through your newsfeed.

It's obvious, you see. You don’t want to cause an argument, you don’t want to be pulled into a mindless feud with someone who refuses to see the other side of the argument, someone who refuses to be inconvenienced in anyway, and who is incapable of questioning the necessity of a hobby that perhaps their parents had passed on to them.

How do you hide your truth, your perspective, your beliefs? When did you become a passive observer, when did the futility of change become so embedded in you that you can’t even attempt to sway the opinions of close friends and family?

It happened gradually. Your youthful vigor has been deadened. Your eyes are dulled. You've learned that it’s too easy to avoid confrontation and a messy argument. There’s so much anger and darkness in the world, you rationalize, why bother bringing a heavy cloud over the skies of my friends, my family, my world?

You scroll on through, lurking in the background watching the events that will define your life, your country, and the lives of your children.

Because clearly, there’s nothing else you can do.

On Anxiety - Overcoming Uncertainty

I feel nauseous and have to fight back the tears threatening to burst. The butterflies in my stomach are making me sick and I can’t breathe. My hands are shaking as my eyes dart wildly around the room.

The edges of my consciousness frantically scramble; clawing and tearing at the last sliver of control that is rapidly being blown beyond my reach. My fingertips feel bloody and raw when I am suddenly overwhelmed by the futility of my effort and the grasping becomes half hearted, eventually stopping altogether.

I shudder and fold over, fold inwards, hiding inside of myself.

With no control and half blind with fear I hold my breath as the strange wind continues to rage. It tears around me, propelling me forward, farther into the unknown. But where is it taking me?

A single tear slips out, immediately torn off my face.

There’s no turning back now.

Gritting my teeth I widen my eyes and take a step forward. 

Suddenly the wind stops. 

I can breathe again. 

One step at a time.